If this had been a real emergency, your face would hurt really really bad.

Well, shit.  It’s the Sunday before Monday and early on in the itchy season.  I sit down to write and find it difficult because my hands are too busy chasing down flares of itchiness all up and down my back and head and arms.  I think my brain is dehydrated, too, because the ideas just aren’t flowing these days.

On the bright side, it’s also sicky season and I’m getting lots of hours at work covering for the weak and getting union wages to do it.  I’m making dollars so fast I can barely keep up with converting them to rice and rifle ammunition.

LOTION!!!!

Plus I’ve got other projects besides this blog.  There’s the preliminary research I’m doing for Secret Project #1A.  There’s that novel I’m reading. And the various side hustles I’m developing.  And keeping up with all the trades I’m jack of but not master.  And dishes.  And Warzone 2100.

But mostly I scratch.

So rather than post mediocre content here just to meet a self-imposed deadline, I’ve decided it’s wiser to announce a short hiatus for the Wretched Facts.  I’m going to take some time to assemble a few things that are worth your attention. (Frankly, the recent stuff has been a snooze.  Too much tl;dr and not enough jokes.)  Four posts ought to be a good amount.  Once I’ve got that put together, I’ll start posting again.

In the meantime, I’ve got to give great thanks to Ferdinand Bardamu at In Mala Fide and Charlie Bushmeister at the Single Dude’s Guide for giving a lot of juice to this blogging cycle.  And the only traffic.  If you’re reading this page, it’s probably because you’ve already read theirs.

So check back in a month or so.  I’ll be back with a fresh haircut and a ruthless vengeance.

Zeno Izen for President 2012… my agenda: “The Plan”

Hi, my name is Zeno Izen and I am running for President of the United States of America.  I have developed a simple plan to restore freedom, peace and prosperity to America.  Here is that plan:

Step 1:  Every U.S. citizen with a Social Security number will receive, by U.S. Postal mail, an unactivated plastic debit card.  The details of the accounts that these cards will access are a technical matter that will be worked out before this plan is implemented.

Step 2:  Citizens will have a short period of time to activate these debit cards, and the accounts that they access.

Step 3:  At an appointed moment, which may or may not be revealed in advance, each citizen’s account will be credited with a sum of money.  The amount of money is a technical detail that will be worked out before this plan is implemented.  Hypothetically, the amount is mostly irrelevant, though it will need to be significant enough to qualify as a windfall for the average citizen.  Numbers between $10,000 and $100,000 are probable.

Step 4:  The U.S. federal government will cede power to the States, and declare itself dissolved.

Step 5:  A period of adjustment will ensue.

See, I'm practically a centrist.

The benefits of this plan will be many.  The velocity of money, and the vitality of the economy will increase dramatically as citizens will be motivated to spend what money they have as soon as possible before its value drops to zero.  All sides of political debate will be satisfied by this plan as well, as redistributionists on the left will be directly compensated and minarchists on the right will see their domestic agenda implemented in full.

At the same time, the results of this plan will be unpredictable to the degree that manipulators of the economy, along with entrenched totalitarian interests, will not be able to fully retain their power.  Prices and currencies will swing to extremes as the results of this plan ripple across the globe.  Innovators and small time players will find themselves knee deep in opportunities, which will disrupt society and make resources newly available in the fairest way possible:  according to wit and competitivity.

My plan will initiate a new global golden era based on merit and voluntary association.  This is what everyone wants, perhaps excluding those deeply invested in the status quo.

So vote for me for President of the U.S. or whatever other office you want.  I ain’t on the ballot and my budget is zero, but I’ve got a slogan and it is thus:

“Vote for Zeno Izen motherfuckers!  He’s got the Plan!”

10 protest-sign slogans scientifically designed to change the world

You know, a good slogan can change the world.  And since these Wall Street protests have been said to have no clear message, this may be a rare opportunity to inject some distilled wisdom into the minds of the masses.

Not just any slogan will do.  There is a subtle art to creating the cyanide-tipped word bullets that get seriously complex messages over noisy channels in short time.  This is the kind of thing you want to leave to certified experts such as myself.

What follows are some slogans that I have developed using a variety of tools and principles developed from my extensive study of linguistics, public relations, poetry, rhetoric, hypnosis, psychology and a great variety of other subjects.  This is top grade verbal technology.  Don’t mess with it, just use it.  It’s powerful and it works.

Now, when you put one of these slogans on your sign, you want to make sure your writing is clear and sense can be made of it from a hundred yards or more.  You don’t want to just scribble the words on a flap of cardboard and call it good.  And if you make your sign and it turns out to be sloppy, do it over.

Remember, most modern people are used to slick graphics designed by trained professionals.  You don’t want your sign to be entirely perfect.  A little folksy amateurism will actually serve your purposes better.  But sheer half-assedness will discredit you immediately.  There’s a sweet spot.  Try to find it.

So then, here you go, ten protest sign slogans scientifically designed to change the world:

1.  UTOPIAN projects ALWAYS create HELL
2.  Banks + Govt = Misery
3.  TOO FUCKED TO BAIL
4.  Are you a producer or a thief?
5.  Central Banks – Central Terror
6.  Recriminalize Fraud
7.  Goldman Sachs has a gambling problem
8.  Free money hurts the poor
9.  Reset America
10.  Defenestrate Oligarchical Collectivism

and as a bonus, one all purpose slogan for all places and all times:

11.  RULED BY NONE

Fourth Wave Feminism is here. Get it while it’s hot.

Hi!
Nice chair.

Whatever the goals of contemporary feminism, there seems to be a lack of awareness that America is the least misogynistic nation in the world. A woman is generally free and legally equal in these United States.  In general an American woman can feel secure against circumcision, being stoned to death for the crime of getting raped, feet binding, requiring a chaperone for all public excursions, being murdered upon birth as a result of not being a boy baby, being murdered during adolescence for being able to read, living as chattel, and so on.

Women in America can play poker and smoke cigars, go out alone day or night dressed as they please, apply for any job and expect to be considered according to their merit, run for any elected office, play any sport (and at this point I expect a woman could play for the NFL, NBA or MLB if she had chops enough to warrant the salary), cuss, fly planes, have a credit card, enter a contract, captain a ship, lead a platoon, negotiate a treaty and choose her sex partners.

These may seem like mundane freedoms to some, but they forget that women have been able to do these things for less than 100 years, and that in some parts of the world a woman still can’t do even one of these things.  Any woman who takes these liberties for granted ought to pause, reflect and appreciate.  The liberty of American women exists within a small and fragile historical bubble, as do the liberties of us all.  The liberated society of the West is the result of tremendous effort and sacrifice, and maintaining this liberty requires just as much determination.

All this is preamble to my pointing out that, while women can do the things necessary to protect Western Civilization from the assault of less egalitarian cultures, they largely don’t.  With some few exceptions, it is men that fight the wars, engage in the diplomacy, and distribute the propaganda that protects the Empire of Enlightenment from barbarous onslaughts.  The reason for this is that men have a massively disproportionate amount of the hormone that fuels the aggression and competitiveness required to protect a culture.

But what if American men were less masculine?  What if they were encouraged to be more like women, less aggressive, less competitive, less paternal?  If such an unlikely trend were to take hold in our civilization, it would weaken men and make our egalitarian way of life easy prey for its main competitors: Shariaism and Confucianism.

So, that is why I am a Fourth Wave Feminist.  My determination to do what I can to make masculinity acceptable again is motivated by my love of womankind and my desire for her to be free.  Because I believe that women can contribute to the vitality of Western civilization in countless ways, I strive to be masculine without apology.  It’s because I want to women to have the choice between the kitchen or the boardroom (or to struggle vainly to inhabit both), that I fight against the tide of coerced epicenity.  When I speak against the excesses of feminism, I speak for women, because I speak for the survival of my culture which is the only one that truly allows women to be free.